I’m slightly broken.
And I don’t like saying that out loud. It’s quite painful saying it.
Who knows how many eyeballs landing on those words will subconsciously begin judging me or think how I need to be “fixed”.
This past week I’ve had a “fight” on several fronts.
Children with school issues.
Dealing with legal issues that are three damn years old and finding out it could take another year – or longer.
Forgetting to give four teachers a present before the holiday break. (Small in the grand scheme of things, but that “perfect Mom” label is relentless.)
And a body showing signs that it just can’t handle my addiction to food any longer no matter how comfortable I am (or my hubby is) with my “wobbly bits” (yes… Bridget Jones. Go Netflix it).
Right now I am in a raw season.
Processing all of this while trying to figure out who the hell I am at 32 years old.
Not who I’m suppose to be.
Not who others want me to be.
But who is this woman that God has taken so much time to create, pursue, grow, and love passionately?
This woman is trying to demolish the labels I have within different circles of my community, however the most sticky ones are stuck in my own mind.
I’m processing through a mind and heart that feels scrambled a little.
A mind that is a little scared to process through it all on my own, let alone allowing anyone else in on it over the fear that they will run as far as possible.
Or judge.
Because I’m Karen. The happy one. The one with the pink faux hawk who is always happy and encouraging. The fearless leader.
However, sometimes the happy girl struggles too. And when she is leading the charge, sometimes she is shaking the whole time in her black corduroy Tom’s questioning herself and her abilities.
And that is ok. It’s ok to not be ok. I’m simply refusing to stay there.
Daily I have to make the choice in not being fearful of the “mess” any longer.
I don’t need to be “fixed” as some would think.
I’m learning. I’m being stretched. And all the boxes I’ve kept everything in are being crushed one by one.
It’s all for good.
I just need to give myself some grace so I don’t miss the lesson or any part of this journey.
Perhaps the main lesson through all of this is on grace itself.
The power of it. The hugeness of it. The reality of it.
Karen, I’m in a similar place of questioning myself, too. It feels wonderful in some ways and scary in others, because I realize that some changes need to happen and I’m not sure what that means or how or what it will entail or how it could change the comfort I have. I’m not sure I’m ready, though I think I ache so much for that–to be who I really am.
About those gifts to teachers…I feel the tug to do it, too…but instead, I do handwritten notes to express my gratefulness for their choice to do what they do every day. And, my notes come later, when everyone else brings gifts and life suddenly seems quiet.
Grace for yourself…it IS what matters most!
I so much appreciate your style and am thrilled to have found your *place* here. I’m glad to have crossed paths with you and anxiously await getting to know you more. I trust in purpose for us meeting, friend!
Thank you for your encouragement, Amy! We are in this journey together
xoxox
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Powerfully written! And I might add – you are PERFECT in the eyes of God and exactly where you need to be right here and now.
I’ve been facing the fears of my own inner demons as I unearth the past through writings. Your post really spoke to me. Thank you!
Blessings, Joan
Facing your fears is quite courageous, Joan. Cheering you on!
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You are unbelievable as you speak the words that sit in my own head and heart. I love you more than you know and can’t wait to watch you crush those boxes one by one.
-laci, your superfan
PS. I love the Bridget Jones reference.
Laci!! LOVE you dearly, friend! It means so much to know I’m not alone. xoxo
to this i say amen, and then amen, and then again amen. <3
you just wrote my story. you just described the spot where i'm at right. this. minute.
it's a journey, and i'm getting there.
you are Loved. <3
Thanks for dropping by and commenting, Heather! I’m learning many of us are feeling this way. Isn’t it great to know we are not alone?! Have a very Merry Christmas!
Karen… how did I not know you had a blog? #FAIL on my part! So glad I found it. And even gladder it was this post that introduced me to it! I love your free flow of thoughts here. And I love your pink faux hawk!
Hey Dustin! Glad you found it!! I appreciate all the support.
Karen – I love you. You are such an encouragement to me. I hope that you come to realize that the expectation for you to be “The Happy One” isn’t one that we, your friends, have placed on you, but it is a role you have assumed for yourself. At some point in your life, being complimented on your seemingly constant happy state of mind “stuck” with you. I’m guessing it became a way to convince others and yourself that you are perfectly content … even in the most heart-breaking circumstances. In the Christian circles in which we’ve been grown, having firm and unmoved character is often praised by leadership and publicly praised. (“Can you believe she is smiling? Even at the funeral and the television interview, she didn’t cry. She must have great faith.” The unrealistic emotional expectations placed on us to be spiritual fortresses and perfect to the outer world leave us inwardly isolated and feeling like failures for being vulnerable, tender, sorrowful and imperfect. By being transparent about your struggles, you are actually being even MORE of an encouragement and demonstrating your need, OUR need, for God’s mercy and unfailing love. Please don’t ever think that you must maintain a constant happy facade for any of us, my sister in Christ. I love the REAL you – happy, sad, whole or broken, good days, bad days, skinny days, fat days, good hair, bad hair … All of it. We’re all in this together. xx
Thank you for cheering me on!
It is sometimes exhausting to be the “happy” one.
I am grateful for your presence in my life. I am glad you are far enough along in the process of crushing boxes that you can share the journey with all of us.
Thank you for your support! It means so much. I am grateful for YOU!
Karen, you are amazing- thank you for your courage in sharing your honest struggle. I love you.
I don’t have enough words to say thank you for how you have poured into me and believe in me. I love you, friend.
LOVE LOVE LOVE XOXO
Thanks for visiting and commenting, Krisna! Wishing you a Merry Christmas!
Hey, I wrote a similar post to this one a while back entitled, “I’m Curious,” you may want to check it out. I have felt like this and often do feel like this and none have arrived. I was told the other day, and no, I didn’t read it myself, that the Bible says, we are BEING saved. I was describing myself as a puzzled thrown out on the table and little by little I was being put together as God was working His grace in my life. Some pieces are harder than others to find and to fit into place and we will never arrive, but know that you are not alone in your brokeness. We are all a grand masterpiece being fitted one piece at a time. Much love.
I didn’t mean to say we will never arrive, I meant nobody has arrived, but we will. I hear heaven is a wonderful place.
Thank you for your sweet words, Jaclyn. Hope you have a very Merry Christmas!
Gorgeous Karen! Thank you from speaking from your tender center. You are so lovable. xo
Thank you so much, Stephanie for always cheering me on. You are such a powerful encouragement to me. Thank you for visiting, commenting, and sharing! LOVE you!!
Hey there. You are beautiful and God’s grace is perfect. Love you and praying for you
Thank you, Kendra! Love and appreciate you.